2015 was the worst year of my life. It was the year I broke. It was the year I walked away from everything I thought I ever wanted. I realised the world was an ugly place where even after loving someone with your heart and soul for almost eight years, you may not know what they are capable of.
Walking away from someone you love, because it’s the right thing to do for you, is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Trust me, I know. It’s like what I imagine cutting out your heart would feel like. I discovered that trust is the most important word in my dictionary, even more important than love. So I left. And time showed it me it was the best decision of my life. If I ever meet him again all I guess I would say is, thank you. I would thank him for all the lies and lack of class. If he wouldn’t have done that, I would never have snapped out of my love haze. I would probably still be hung up on him.
Leaving made me get to know myself. I always imagined that if anything wrong happened in my relationship I would scream and yell. Threaten my partner with bodily harm. Haha! When the time came, I was too hurt to speak let alone yell. Inspite everything he did, I don’t do anything. Some may thing I was weak but trust me that took a lot strength. In the end I guess I valued the emotions I felt even though he longer deserved them. So I gave my love it’s due respect any displayed grace I didn’t know I was capable of. And I was, I am and will always be proud of myself for that. I never gave in to hate. Trust me, till date I haven’t even called him by a single bad word. I can never hate someone I once loved. Besides hate is a very powerful emotion. No one deserve such power.
After I got over the shock and then situation sank in, I broke. But I healed. It was painful assembling all the broken parts but it had to be done. And today after a year, I’m happy and proud to inform you that I’m great! I’ve more or less undone the damage caused.
I had fallen out with my family as I chose my ‘love’ over them, things are fine now. I had even planned to keep my education and career on hold till he established himself. I gave my finals and passed. I just completed a month at my first job and all I can say is I’m lucky to work there. I developed a relationship with God. I don’t claim to pray everyday but I try and I’ve reached a place where I know he’ll catch me if I fall.
Depression knocked off a few kilograms, I now fit into clothes from five years back. And, while I was healing myself I got asked out, something which was good for my then low self-esteem but of course, I wasn’t in a place where I was even thinking about love or romance so I bowed out. Also, I didn’t want to make someone else my crutch. Love will happen when it has to but for now, I’m happy.
I’ve started cracking that shell I’ve always been in and I’ve discovered a beautiful world outside. Another thing I did is I started writing. It helped me heal. Now of course I write for pleasure. I love it! I guess when you hit rock bottom there’s no where else to go but up! It’s never to late to turn your life around and take the reins! Be the change you want and the rest will fall into place.
I just want to take this opportunity to thank every single person who helped me heal. Thank you for your support and love. I will forever be in your debt. I’m so grateful to have you all in my life. A special mention – J and Bum, I love you guys! Without you guy I would never have climbed out of that pit.